oh, don't grab more than you can stand to carry
by mostlymaggie
Summary: In the end, it's thinking about the good old days – when Camden was alive, when his father was still a father – that keeps him anchored.


**Wow, yeah, okay... So, between this week's episode of Teen Wolf, and the apparently constant stream of sad songs playing on my iTunes, I guess I couldn't _not _write this? I'm not sure if it's canon compliant, really, because as much as wrack my brain for it, I can't remember if they've mentioned if Isaac's mother just left or if she died or what, but... I don't know, I just have a lot of feelings about Isaac Lahey, and this week's episode didn't help, so... Well, here you go?**

* * *

Things weren't always as shitty with his dad as they had been the past few years.

His mom had never been there... Okay, that's not entirely correct: his mom had never been there for _him_. She'd been there for dad and she'd been there for Camden, but she'd died when Isaac was pretty young. It hadn't broken his dad, not completely – sure, he'd been a bit snippier than in the past, but he also cried.

Isaac didn't know he cried until he was nine and he found his dad sitting on the couch, clutching a picture frame to his chest and sobbing and whispering things like "it should have been me." He didn't understand it at all when he was _really _young and he's still not sure he does at this point; his dad's never really said anything more about it than "she went too soon" and "it was an accident" (he doesn't even find out that there was a car accident until he gathers the courage to ask Camden about it a couple of months later).

Things are smooth after that: his dad finally seems more comfortable showing emotion around his sons, crying on the anniversary of the accident each year and not bothering to hide it. It goes like that for a while, and Isaac begins to think that maybe, just maybe, they'll be a normal family again – he's doing well in school, and Camden's graduating and thinking of joining the military, and his dad is still the swim coach at Beacon Hills High.

When Camden finally makes the decision to join the military, his departure for boot camp is tearful. When he returns for a visit before actually shipping out, it doesn't even _look_ like Camden any more – the remnants of baby fat are long gone, and he looks almost _mean _with a shaved head – eleven year old Isaac is downright terrified of him until the man kneels down and smiles and it's so undeniably _Camden _that the little boy almost cries as he hugs his brother.

Things are still good after Camden is shipped out – Isaac thinks it was overseas, but he can't remember for sure. He just knows that it's like his dad doesn't know how to deal with only having one kid around. The man dotes on him, shows that he cares – buys him gifts, gives him hugs, helps him with his homework.

Things don't go south until they find out that Camden was killed in action. Isaac – thirteen and all awkwardly long limbs and curly hair that he refuses to cut and _braces_ – cries for three days straight. His dad doesn't utter a sound in all that time, just stares at the wall when he's at home and goes through the motions at work. A few weeks later, he quits, and takes up the mantle of Beacon Hills funeral home operator and gravedigger. Isaac doesn't really think anything is strange about it – he knows his dad has the schooling for it, knows the man went to _school_ for this sort of thing.

He's fourteen – barely a month from fifteen – and just starting freshman year when the abuse starts. It's not something he expects in any sense – his dad's always been pretty laid back about grades and things, so Isaac doesn't think anything of it when he tells his dad that he's _terrible_ at biology and he failed the quiz they took to see what they already knew. Instead of the comforting pat on the shoulder and "it'll get better, son – you can find a tutor" that he expects, his dad punches him in the gut and tells him that he's sure he'll do better next time in a tone that implies the exact opposite.

It takes Isaac about a week to figure out how to hide all of his bruises with ease – he tries out for lacrosse. He's two weeks late on the try-outs, but Finstock lets him on the team anyways, and Isaac is so unbelievably grateful that he can pass off all his bruises as injuries gained during practice.

He lives with the abuse for a year – the worst of it ending with him locked in that shitty, out-of-commission freezer in the basement, screaming for help and sobbing and promising he'll do better as he claws at the inside of the thing – before he meets Derek Hale in the graveyard. Even with all the dangers the man explains, he jumps at the chance to become a werewolf. _I'll never be helpless again. He'll never hurt me again. _And he really thinks that's the case.

But then his dad throws a glass at the wall during dinner, after Isaac tells him about his shitty chem grade. A shard of glass hits his cheek, just below his eye, and when he removes it, the wound heals over. Instead of staying to listen to his dad belittle him, he runs – books it out of the house and grabs his bike and just _goes_ without a destination in mind.

He ditches his bike in town when the weather goes bad, and the next thing he hears about his dad, the man is dead. Half of him feels genuinely terrible about it – it _was _his dad, after all. The other half, though, tells him that the man hadn't been his father since Camden died and he was better off without him. Sure, he ends up a fugitive for several weeks, but in the end – thanks to all this kanima business with Jackson Whittemore – he can go back to school like nothing ever happened (because even a kid who was a suspect in his father's murder doesn't get nearly as much shade thrown his way as a girl whose aunt was batshit crazy and killed a load of people).

His pack – _Derek's pack _– isn't one he actually expects to feel anything towards. He expects to, maybe, feel like he has to be loyal to Derek because he's the one who made him. Instead, he feels so fiercely loyal to all of them – to Derek, to Erica, to Boyd, and hell, even _Scott_ – because they're outsiders, too.

He goes months without really thinking about his dad being dead, just relishing in his new freedom. That all shatters around him when Scott tells him to be careful at the rave – he can't remember the last time someone seemed genuinely worried about him (or rather, he _can _and that is exactly the problem).

Up until the full moon, he can't stop thinking about his dad.

In the end, it's thinking about the good old days – when Camden was alive, when his father was still a father – that keeps him anchored.


End file.
